Eternity

So, of course, I'm ending 2019 having to report bank card fraud, needing to cancel my visa card and the account attached to it. Now I'm left cardless for a week or so. I have to go through all the bother of resetting payments etc. etc. Gah! It also creates this feeling inside as well - how did it happen? It's really uncomfortable and unnerving - not knowing.

Was it shopping online over Christmas? Was it banking online, was it my mobile banking?

Obviously my security was not tight enough.

Maybe they thought $40 wouldn't be noticed. Well. $40 may as well be $1000 to me. So yeah. I noticed.

My Dad laughs about New Year's Resolutions. Anything you can't do every day of the year, he tells me, you'll fail to do at the beginning of the year - and to be honest - he has a fair point (which is why I try to make a habit of walking everyday, unless migraine/pain/period etc. prevents me otherwise - walk, walk all the time, walk!) But I think a lot of it comes down to people's personalities. I think, sometimes, having a particular, defining "date" can be beneficial to a lot of people.

The same way I think a lot of people work on goals, or desire to find meaning in life.

This pondery has been something coming up alot in my thinking of late: "The desire to find meaning in life."

And I keep cycling back to a repeating phase that crops up as I think about what I find meaningful, or, what it is that I want to do. Yeah. I'm thirty years old, I write books, but I still feel lost most of the time. I still feel like I'm wandering around in the dark, not sure what I am even doing here. But I get this phase popping into my head: "The freedom to choose."

To choose what?

To choose - well - everything. Every day I get to wake up and make choices, my own choices. I choose how I think. I am free to choose to smile, to laugh, to cry, to speak, to make mistakes, to fix those mistakes and ultimately free to choose how I respond to situations around me.

That's practically a superpower in my opinion.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. It doesn't change a situation at all.

Oh no.

I still live in pain. There are terrible days. Terrible nights. There have been months that have dragged on and I have begged an ending, just - please - end, somehow, end. Sometimes I sit on the floor in my office and cry, for I physically can no longer lift myself. You cannot change that situation.

But I can change from negative to positive thoughts.

Does it always work? No.