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So it Begins

The thing about keeping a journal is you get to look back at how much has changed how little things change...

I always find it very fascinating at the end of each year to look back at the journal entries I wrote at the early days of a new year. All the hopes, wishes, dreams poured into the pages of that journal.

Was any outcome achieved? Has my thinking patterns changed?

Or am I still standing where I was at the beginning of the year?

It's very, very interesting - it's not an exercise for everyone, some folk might find it depressing or to introspective - but it fascinates me.

I have tried to write this blog entry several times now - but it comes out the same each time - I just can't - something isn't clicking right. So, here I am being honest with you. I am not really in the mood to be cheerful in welcoming in a new year.

I do not know what 2021 will bring. I have given up hoping for things. Life will happen as it happens.

I learnt a lot in 2020. I went on a very personal journey, and I am still on it. For the first time though I feel like I am finally facing a new year with a very different mind set.

I used to approach the world through the lense of "I will never get better."

And now, even while in pain, something shifted - something altered in my thinking - it was not a sudden, dramatic shift - it was really slow - and how it happened hurt, it really hurt - it was through some of the hardest times I've had to expercine in years.

I was very alone, and very scared.

And I came to realise a lot of things about my life and my future.

But in all that darkness, all that sorrow and tears came a deep, deep resolve.

"I am going to get better."

I face this new year with that resolve to become physically stronger to manage my pain. It is going to be hard work, but nothing comes easy.

However there are things I want to do - and I really want to do them.

And I cannot do them in the state I am in, and in the state I am currently in, I am just going to keep getting worse.

"I am going to get better."

One tiny, little step at a time...

I'll do it.

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