Yeah. It's been a bit quiet here at KML Publishing - I'll admit that.
September was - well - it was - it was a month.
On top of many things all happening all at once, I was summoned for Jury Duty. I was actually originally pretty excited about this. A chance to get out, do something totally different, be a productive member of society, add my small contribution to how things run. I thought it would be interesting to see how it all worked.
Sure, I was worried about my migraines, but I have news about that too -
Sure, I was worried about my pain levels, but I told myself that it's jolly well time to get up and get out and see the world.
And I did, and I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed Jury Duty. I didn't DO much other than sit in a room with other people and wait around a lot. I was not selected. It's a random process. It was still very fascinating none the less to go to court and go through the steps involved. I had lots of fun getting on the bus and going into the city. I liked the rhythm, the beat I could get into, and the sense of doing something.
However - worst month ever for it to happen. It felt like a hindrance. You can't plan around Jury Duty, as you don't know if you're summoned day to day. Stuff was happening around me. I mean, stuff always happens, but sometimes its out of control and you're along for the ride.
It felt like the longest month ever. ^_^;
I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what direction to take. I don't know how to get out of this situation or how to move forward. That Rapunzel Tower I joke about being in, well, I feel like I am stuck in it, and I'm ready to climb down and I have to get out. In the words of my nephew: "All the men are gone. You are all alone."
I am alone. Yes. And this month made me feel unbearably alone. Not in a way that was depressing (I'm totally over that hurdle) - just in a way that I deeply felt an absence of anyone to talk things over with. There is a deep void, a horrible hollowness that surrounds me.
And I know people seem to think isolation and loneliness is often equated with depression - but for me its not - its a knowledge of a lack of something that should be there and I am just sad I can't share thoughts, and ideas with people. And not just that. I'm getting to the age where I know I'm getting older. I know I'm running out of time. And I can't lift concrete pots on my own. And I can't renovate a house on my own.
Though, I will admit, perhaps one of the worst things about being single/and or isolated is when you're sick, and your sitting on the kitchen floor unable to make a meal and it would be really nice to have help making a meal. ^_^;
And I know this situation I am in is my fault, and I am the one who can actively work towards fixing it. It's just, I don't know what steps to take to resolve it.
I want to do something to actively help myself.
That's what the month of September has left me with.
A deep sense of; "What am I supposed to do?" I have to do something?
I was feeling so unsettled about all this. That I have failed and ultimately am quite worthless if I cannot pull myself up by my bootstraps and move forward. Yet, as always, when I find myself in this conundrum - the same sense of peace has come to me, as it does time and time again over the years. I am full of anxiety for the future, scared, worried, a bundle of rattling sticks - and yet I am given the same word, over and over:
"Trust that it will all be okay."
This time it came while I finished up reading the Count of Monte Cristo. If you haven't read the masterpiece, I will leave you with this:
"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.
“Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,—'Wait and hope.’
Edmond Dantes, Count of Monte Cristo.”
Alexandre Dumas, Count of Monte Cristo
Keep moving forward. Wait and hope.
They can be the same thing.
On the topic of waiting and hoping. I have a some good news!
Some of you may remember that I was on a trial for a migraine medication awhile back and it was stopped due to it not making it onto the PBS. Well, about - er - two - yeah, I'm going to say two - months ago I learnt that a medication very similar to the one I had been on had been approved for the PBS. The same week I learnt that I also had an appointment with my neurologist and he - so happily - presented me with that medication. I cannot even BEGIN to explain the relief. I feel like I've got my life back.
I'm starting to pick up the pieces that had crumbled around me after coming off the last one. I'm thinking clearer, there is no more constant headache (well, the medication runs out after about three weeks, so it's not perfect but it's better than NOTHING) and while I do get bad headaches, I'm not worrying about them flaring into terrifying migraines. This means I can start really walking again. I can start pushing myself physically again. I can clean the house more!
I've been drawing heaps, and it's so refreshing. I'm not scared of triggering a migraine when I go out shopping. Even when I was going to the city, doing Jury Duty, I only came back with a bad headache. And I know, the longer I use this medication, the better I will be.
I'm so happy.
I'm so grateful. Oh my gosh. It's been so long - hahah - my whole life - so much pain - and finally, something works!
Wait and hope.